generally, i can get by quite happily on my own. i even enjoy it from time to time. but at the moment, uni is leaving me feeling very lonely. i sit for 7 hours in a room with 13 other people i met 2 weeks ago. i dont know these people. my work related conversations with them probably amounts to 90 minutes a day. my un-work related conversations with  them will total <15 minutes a day. all spread very thinly. this is worse than being alone. alone i like. alone i can relax and not worry about the world. alone is fine. lonely sucks

the end of my first year at uni is drawing near. well, its 2 months and a whole ton of work away but whatever lets move on. i am quite seriously thinking about doing a post grad of some description in america. dont really know why - itl cost alot of money and i dont know what i think il get out of it but there you have it. i think i want to do it.

Sometimes they love each other so much it takes their breath away, and sometimes they don't - but while, at first, they had hated each other when they didn't love each other, now they still consider the other a precious gift never to be wasted, even when they argue.

regrets

its kinda late in the year, but i often regret choosing birmingham for uni. ive seriously considered leaving on multiple occasions. i like the people i work with and sometimes the course is really good. but i feel like quite alot of the tutors dont really know how to teach. and the practical things we learn whilst on shows is good but shows only make up 5/6 weeks of the year. and now we are heading into our final term - assessments are coming and i feel like they have been majorly dropped on us from nowhere. 1 of our assessments is 2nd week back and we dont have a brief for it to work on over easter. which means we will have a week to do it when we get back. on top of all our other work that we do know about.
so sometimes i think about leaving. and im not the only one. but we like each other and who wants to go through the awkward bit again?

realising the person you think of as youre best friend isnt actually your best friend anymore is weird. whenever we hang out its like it always used to be. except we know next to nothing about each others lives now

ive never had a problem letting myself down. theres no end to the how far id go or how hard il work to help someone out, but for my own benefit, i suppose i dont think im worth the effort

well ive been a little busy. just finished the musical on saturday (doing the get out untill 1.45am - yay) came home on sunday. london is the best place ever. why did i ever leave?
in other news me and my brother are trying to buy a house. well, probably a flat. and isnt house hunting just the most fun thing ever!? no. no its not

letters

the first thing i do when writing a letter is stamp and address so that i wont chicken out of actually writing (or sending) the thing. or if i do, that it costs me money. i hate to be wasteful

the last 20 minutes

ive just spent 20 minutes doing sit ups. i did 70. i think. i lost count but i definitely did at least 70. and by my calculations thats just over 17 seconds per sit up. although i didnt do them all in one go. i did 20 had a short rest. tried to do another 20 but stopped at 10 and had a longer rest. then i tried to do 20 again and i couldnt get past 18 so i had another long rest and then did 12. which, now i add them up is actually 80 all together which is 1 per 15 seconds. on average. i also bought a full length mirror today. cos im sick of trying to see what i look like in the one above my sink cos i have to stand on the toilet. and i have come so close to breaking my neck.

ive been so bad at this

since i moved to uni

stressing in releation to my sexuality

i warn you now, this is not the most organised bunch of thoughts youll ever read. and i dont think i make my point very well. but that wasnt really the point. also, i get a bit ranty at the end

that is not something i do very often. or ever, really. its never been a problem for me or any of my friends. anyone who was bothered was probably someone i never gave a shit about anyway. but thats getting away from the issue ive had today. a girl on my course, id call her a friend, said she wouldnt go out with a bi girl. she said shed had bad experiences and wouldnt date one again. i was a little surprised at the time, a little shocked. hurt, outraged, pissed off. i dont know. but not good. and we talked about it for a while, i called her bi-phobic, and she mostly made it worse for herself. then she said if she met someone special who was bi, she might go out with her. isnt that what all dating is? you meet someone special and you date them. you dont date all the people who fit your gender + sexuality criteria. so now shes saying she would date a bi in the right circumstances i.e she fancies them enough, but still says she wouldnt date a bi generally. which i find fucking stupid.
this has been brewing in my head since lunchtime and im feeling worse about it now than i did then. i just cant believe that she would think like that, and think think theres nothing wrong with it. i like this girl. i consider her a friend. she says she doesnt have a problem with bi people, she just wouldnt date one. can she not see how twisted that is? even mare twisted by the fact that she would date one, so the prejudice she has is all in her head. god thats stupid, where else would it be? do you know what im trying to say? shes creating that fence herself, consciously. even though she admits that theres a gate.

also, this whole incedent is being exacerbated. i think its bringing up some bad memories. like people asking about my sexuality, me telling them im bi and then they say things like "yeah, but what are you really?" and "so when are you gonna decide?" or "i used to be bi, youll get past it eventually" im starting to think that shit got to me.
fuck this shit. im bi. im fine with that. ive always been fine with it. so has everyone i give a shit about. but fuck me if the couple of fuckers i meet along the way dont get to me. i fucking hate when people imply its a phase. i fucking hate that stupid look they give you that says 'of course you are dear'. i fucking hate when people roll their eyes cos heres another one, fucking with everyone cos they cant make up their stupid little minds. i hate the assumption that im not faithful, that if im with a guy for too long il miss girls and il start wandering. fuck you. fuck you all. fuck you motherfuckers.

i think that shit definitely got to me

grumble

i was excited to be on show. ive missed it. the show is 2 hours 20 minutes long. i have 6 cues. so BORED.

well this week is going by pretty bloody fast. the to do list on my wall is nearly onto a second page. part of the marks for each of my modules is a reflective journal where i write about what we learned in each lesson and how we felt about it and what we thought we did well on and how we could improve yadda yadda. its not that you have to write that much, its that theres just not that much to write about yet. hopefully itll get easier.
today we finally got our first show allocations. we were supposed to find out 4 days ago but whatever, we know now. im on the show i wanted in  the role i wanted so YAY. the schedule is intense though and it plows straight over my birthday - just as well that i like my job eh. i bought a sketchbook today that i probably shouldnt have, considering the money troubles im having at the moment. not just on a whim though, i do need it for a class but i could have got a cheaper one. or used the one i already have.
not much else i dont think. except its lgbt bar crawl on saturday! i am going to party hard. speaking of which, when i posted that id joined lgbt society on my facebook, my aunt wrote that it was 'an interesting choice'. do you think theres is something she wants to ask me?

inductions are so exciting....

i cant wait until lectures start proper on monday. AND we get our show allocations! i know which one i want and as theyre having 8 of us and theres only 14 of us, theres a good chance il get it. hopefully.

my new home

it been about 27 hours since my parents left. i havent really finished unpacking or organising my stuff yet. ive spent most of my time so far with 1 girl from my flat who i quite like. i say most of my time, weve gone to the pub twice and had a late night chat once. of course only once, theres only been 1 night. i feel like ive been here about a week.
i think i bought to much stuff but i like that my room is busy, it feels more like home. and im definately glad ive got my king size quilt - i was not made for a single bed and it helps alot.
been to 1 freshers event which was rock-aoke which was fun and caused my too lose my voice so ive been rather husky whick im quite liking, ill be sad when thats better. im skipping tonights entertainment because im not particularly interested and i have to be in at 9.30 tomorrow - and my journey has a fair bit of walking but il have sorted something with my bike soon. hopefully.
my parents bought me crap loads of food before they left - i love them.

and my student loan is STILL not sorted out. argh!

i move to birmingham in the morning

i pedict i will mostly be eating
- baked potato (with beans + cheese or cottage cheese)
- tomato pasta
- houmous and pitta (humus? homous? i cant spell)
- fried egg sandwhiches
- scrambled eggs
- cheese on toast

lets check back in a few weeks eh

stressed?

ive been sleeping so badly recently, the last 2 weeks or so, and its really starting to get to me. it doesnt matter if i get 11 hours sleep - like i did last night - i still wake up feeling shit. and i never sleep through. i wake up every 2 hours or so. im tired and i feel like crap.

in other news

ive had a really good, and unusually social week. ran into a friend from college. twice. both times in clubs. when i was drunk. good times. i got drunk a lot this week. not that i need alcohol for socialising, it just was this week

ARGH!

ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! 2 weeks!!! ARGH!

isolation

i fear that will be my biggest issue at uni. im living in halls. an hours walk from my campus (il be cycling, hopefully) and EVERYONE ELSE from my school is in houses with other people from my school. EVERYONE. that is not an exaggeration - when i told the accommodations officer that i had applied for halls he seemed so confused

that gay boy i had a crush on, that i stayed with for a few days, that was fun.

but im back at home, in london now. hooray! i move to birmingham in less than 3 weeks. shit.