well ive been a little busy. just finished the musical on saturday (doing the get out untill 1.45am - yay) came home on sunday. london is the best place ever. why did i ever leave?
in other news me and my brother are trying to buy a house. well, probably a flat. and isnt house hunting just the most fun thing ever!? no. no its not

letters

the first thing i do when writing a letter is stamp and address so that i wont chicken out of actually writing (or sending) the thing. or if i do, that it costs me money. i hate to be wasteful

the last 20 minutes

ive just spent 20 minutes doing sit ups. i did 70. i think. i lost count but i definitely did at least 70. and by my calculations thats just over 17 seconds per sit up. although i didnt do them all in one go. i did 20 had a short rest. tried to do another 20 but stopped at 10 and had a longer rest. then i tried to do 20 again and i couldnt get past 18 so i had another long rest and then did 12. which, now i add them up is actually 80 all together which is 1 per 15 seconds. on average. i also bought a full length mirror today. cos im sick of trying to see what i look like in the one above my sink cos i have to stand on the toilet. and i have come so close to breaking my neck.

ive been so bad at this

since i moved to uni

stressing in releation to my sexuality

i warn you now, this is not the most organised bunch of thoughts youll ever read. and i dont think i make my point very well. but that wasnt really the point. also, i get a bit ranty at the end

that is not something i do very often. or ever, really. its never been a problem for me or any of my friends. anyone who was bothered was probably someone i never gave a shit about anyway. but thats getting away from the issue ive had today. a girl on my course, id call her a friend, said she wouldnt go out with a bi girl. she said shed had bad experiences and wouldnt date one again. i was a little surprised at the time, a little shocked. hurt, outraged, pissed off. i dont know. but not good. and we talked about it for a while, i called her bi-phobic, and she mostly made it worse for herself. then she said if she met someone special who was bi, she might go out with her. isnt that what all dating is? you meet someone special and you date them. you dont date all the people who fit your gender + sexuality criteria. so now shes saying she would date a bi in the right circumstances i.e she fancies them enough, but still says she wouldnt date a bi generally. which i find fucking stupid.
this has been brewing in my head since lunchtime and im feeling worse about it now than i did then. i just cant believe that she would think like that, and think think theres nothing wrong with it. i like this girl. i consider her a friend. she says she doesnt have a problem with bi people, she just wouldnt date one. can she not see how twisted that is? even mare twisted by the fact that she would date one, so the prejudice she has is all in her head. god thats stupid, where else would it be? do you know what im trying to say? shes creating that fence herself, consciously. even though she admits that theres a gate.

also, this whole incedent is being exacerbated. i think its bringing up some bad memories. like people asking about my sexuality, me telling them im bi and then they say things like "yeah, but what are you really?" and "so when are you gonna decide?" or "i used to be bi, youll get past it eventually" im starting to think that shit got to me.
fuck this shit. im bi. im fine with that. ive always been fine with it. so has everyone i give a shit about. but fuck me if the couple of fuckers i meet along the way dont get to me. i fucking hate when people imply its a phase. i fucking hate that stupid look they give you that says 'of course you are dear'. i fucking hate when people roll their eyes cos heres another one, fucking with everyone cos they cant make up their stupid little minds. i hate the assumption that im not faithful, that if im with a guy for too long il miss girls and il start wandering. fuck you. fuck you all. fuck you motherfuckers.

i think that shit definitely got to me

grumble

i was excited to be on show. ive missed it. the show is 2 hours 20 minutes long. i have 6 cues. so BORED.

well this week is going by pretty bloody fast. the to do list on my wall is nearly onto a second page. part of the marks for each of my modules is a reflective journal where i write about what we learned in each lesson and how we felt about it and what we thought we did well on and how we could improve yadda yadda. its not that you have to write that much, its that theres just not that much to write about yet. hopefully itll get easier.
today we finally got our first show allocations. we were supposed to find out 4 days ago but whatever, we know now. im on the show i wanted in  the role i wanted so YAY. the schedule is intense though and it plows straight over my birthday - just as well that i like my job eh. i bought a sketchbook today that i probably shouldnt have, considering the money troubles im having at the moment. not just on a whim though, i do need it for a class but i could have got a cheaper one. or used the one i already have.
not much else i dont think. except its lgbt bar crawl on saturday! i am going to party hard. speaking of which, when i posted that id joined lgbt society on my facebook, my aunt wrote that it was 'an interesting choice'. do you think theres is something she wants to ask me?

inductions are so exciting....

i cant wait until lectures start proper on monday. AND we get our show allocations! i know which one i want and as theyre having 8 of us and theres only 14 of us, theres a good chance il get it. hopefully.

my new home

it been about 27 hours since my parents left. i havent really finished unpacking or organising my stuff yet. ive spent most of my time so far with 1 girl from my flat who i quite like. i say most of my time, weve gone to the pub twice and had a late night chat once. of course only once, theres only been 1 night. i feel like ive been here about a week.
i think i bought to much stuff but i like that my room is busy, it feels more like home. and im definately glad ive got my king size quilt - i was not made for a single bed and it helps alot.
been to 1 freshers event which was rock-aoke which was fun and caused my too lose my voice so ive been rather husky whick im quite liking, ill be sad when thats better. im skipping tonights entertainment because im not particularly interested and i have to be in at 9.30 tomorrow - and my journey has a fair bit of walking but il have sorted something with my bike soon. hopefully.
my parents bought me crap loads of food before they left - i love them.

and my student loan is STILL not sorted out. argh!

i move to birmingham in the morning

i pedict i will mostly be eating
- baked potato (with beans + cheese or cottage cheese)
- tomato pasta
- houmous and pitta (humus? homous? i cant spell)
- fried egg sandwhiches
- scrambled eggs
- cheese on toast

lets check back in a few weeks eh

stressed?

ive been sleeping so badly recently, the last 2 weeks or so, and its really starting to get to me. it doesnt matter if i get 11 hours sleep - like i did last night - i still wake up feeling shit. and i never sleep through. i wake up every 2 hours or so. im tired and i feel like crap.

in other news

ive had a really good, and unusually social week. ran into a friend from college. twice. both times in clubs. when i was drunk. good times. i got drunk a lot this week. not that i need alcohol for socialising, it just was this week

ARGH!

ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! 2 weeks!!! ARGH!

isolation

i fear that will be my biggest issue at uni. im living in halls. an hours walk from my campus (il be cycling, hopefully) and EVERYONE ELSE from my school is in houses with other people from my school. EVERYONE. that is not an exaggeration - when i told the accommodations officer that i had applied for halls he seemed so confused

that gay boy i had a crush on, that i stayed with for a few days, that was fun.

but im back at home, in london now. hooray! i move to birmingham in less than 3 weeks. shit.

so i have run off to aber for a few days. tis fun, hanging out with M. who i may or may not have a small crush on. seriously though, i dont know. i wouldnt say no though. but i am a slag. oh did i mention hes a big gay? so chances are this will never become an issue.
why do i tell the internet this?
and this doesnt change anything about the girl. although im pretty much decided on not going there. what with the moving to birmingham thing - its probably not worth it is it?
what else have i done? i got drunk last night. fun. we had a picnic today. fun.
oooo and im getting a bike! yay!

less than 5 weeks till uni

and i dont have anywhere to live yet. i applied 2 months ago. whaaaaa

the girl

so the girl knows that i like her. which isnt to say i told her - she asked a mutual friend - but she knows. probably. which means it might be getting to the point where i may actually have to do something about this, or forever hold my peace. and im not good at doing something about it. but also, another friend of mine made a very good point - im moving to birmingham for uni in a 6weeks. do i risk a friendship that im happy with for something that would turn long distance, or even end, so soon? or do i leave it, gtf over it, and keep a friend?

the girl is fairly new to openly (or secretly) dating girls. i dont know how new. but fairly. the mutual friend (who has known the girl for over 10years) doesnt know what her type is but to be fair, i dont really think the girl does either. but then i dont really believe in types

best wedding ever

the new mr and mrs got married yesterday. i wasnt at the actual ceremony, didnt hear the speeches, but the pub bit was awesome sauce. although my toe still hurts from the stupid shoes i wore. that i danced in. jump on it!

the show

and so its finally over. well, the show finished on saturday night and the get out on sunday but ive mostly been enjoying doing bugger all for a few days. twas quite nice.

went out clubbing on saturday for the girls birthday. somewhere far to expensive for me to drink and so far to expensive for me to even think about trying anything. also a couple of her friends came and her little sister and i dont know if they know so wasnt gona do anything that might be awkward for her. so apart from the longing and the soberness, it was a good night. she had a little nap on me on the way home. which was nice.

also had a hen do on sunday night. cos two of my friends are getting married which is ridiculous - we are 20! but apart from the wtf weirdness, its cool. theyve been together for like 5 years and lived together for at least 2. so it shouldnt be too surprising or unusual. but its still a little weird. i dont feel old enough or responsible enough for that.

my brother graduates tomorrow. english and film with a first. w00t

into the unknown

like a bird
that has flown
like a tree
that has grown

like a cathedral
rising from
a prison of stone

like a soul
flying from
a house of bone

i will leap
into the unknown

calling my life my own

shes lovely

mmmmmight have been lying before with the whole love thing. one of them is very very nice. whaaa

also, havent really been home the last few days. gotten very drunk, and epically sleep deprived, so general good times all round.

show opens on thursday. we are very not ready. also sad face cos when its over i wont hardly ever see my girl any more. unless she actually becomes my girl. so i have til saturday to make that happen.

also
went to a double bill of harry potter on thursday. that was fun. loads of the old gang went and it was really good to see everyone. but 3d kinda sucks. yea it looks nice, i guess but not enough to make the glasses worth it. especially if youre crying. which i definitely did not do

drop of a hat im as willing as, playful as a pussycat
momentarily out of action
temporarily out of gas

 and now i really need to pack. cos im staying nearer the theatre for the rest of the week. basically what ive been doing anyway, but with clean clothes!

and another thing

i have 2 new best friends from the cast. i think im in love. not actually. i just mean that they are all kinds of awesome. ok?

busy busy

ive been stage managing a show for the last 2 months or so. we open in two weeks. i was cast in it 2 days ago. we are that desperate. so quite busy

G A Y

went to g a y late on wednesday which was fun. and surprisingly cheap - will be returning there definitely. heading over to a friends in a bit. shes gona make me look pretty before the pub later.

i am happier now

one more thing

my house has no running water. we dont know when we will have running water. so that put me in a really shitty mood. which i havent managed to get out of yet. evidently

sinking

today i have been miserable and angry. i was supposed to got to a party. didnt. cos im a miserable fuck. i dont want to leave the house. ill feel better when i do, i know. easier said than done though. and the fucking rain isnt helping

i have plans on monday though so that should help.

truth

that art i did...

how i spent my weekend

friday
1pm i met up with my friend D. and his uni friend M. we hang out
2.30pm we meet up with T. and his bf L. we eat. we hang out
3pm we meet up with C. we hang out
4pm we buy booze. we sit in a park. we drink
6pm we go to T.'s house. we drink. we play cider hands. we drink
10pm we go to a club. we drink. we dance. we drink. we dance
 at some point i make out with M. who is not single. this happens repeatedly. D. is not impressed
3am we leave the club and eat
3.30am M. goes home. T. and L. go home. D. comes to mine. we sleep

saturday
9am we wake up. and sleep
10am we wake up. and sleep
11am we wake up and watch glee
12pm D. goes home. i watch tv
6pm i get off the sofa and have a shower
7pm leave for D.'s house
7.30pm get to D.s house. we drink
8pm T. and L. show up. we drink. we turn on eurovision
8.30pm C. tuns up. we drink. we make fun of eurovision
10.30pm eurovision points announced. drinking game begins. we drink. alot
11.30pm we are very very drunk
12am we watch scary movie
1.30am we watch scary movie 2. i fall asleep

sunday
9.30 i wake up. i go to sleep
12pm we wake up. we hang out
2pm we play monopoly. L. crushes us all
5pm we go to T.'s house. we hang out
7pm we play buzz
8.30pm we drink. we hang out
2am we watch bring it on
3.30am we watch 10 things i hate about you. D. falls asleep on me
5am we sleep

monday
1pm we wake up. we hang out
2.30pm T. and L. go to L.'s appointment. me, D. and C. go to macdonalds
3.30pm we all go to T.'s house. we hang out
5pm we play buzz
6.pm B. shows up. we play buzz
7pm we watch antm. i do some art. B. goes home
8pm we leave. T. L. C. and D. go to the cinema. i go home because im starting to notice that i havent changed my clothes in 3 day

and that was my weekend. i fucking loved it

Send home my long strayed eyes to me,
Which (Oh) too long have dwelt on thee.
John Donne

travel

these shoes have been to alcatraz

i want kids and i want them now!

irrationally speaking of course. rationally i know that im too young, too poor, too single and too living-with-my-parents. im also about to start university, which i hope will lead me straight into my career, which id like to do for a few years. there is also my relationship history - lets just say its unhealthy so, assuming i dont do it alone, id need a bit of practice there. and a million other reasons. but none of that stops my stupid irrational-mind yearning.
its incredibly frustrating though, wanting something so intently. as soon as i see a baby the feeling that i should have that rushes over me and its pretty hard to shake. and its not just babies, its any child under 6. and pregnant women. and puppies.

some awesome words

"...the truth is that privilege always lies with the majority. They're so used to being catered to that they see the lack of catering as an imbalance. They don't see anything wrong with having things set up to suit them, what's everyone's fuss all about? That's the way it should be, and everyone else should be used to not getting what they want..."
David Gaider

lies and the lying liars who tell them

i am jobless. yesterday i had a job. but i quit 2 weeks ago because i was pretty sure i had got another one. i havent. yet. might get picked up in the next intake. in 2 weeks. so im jobless. balls.

haircut

i got very nearly a foot cut off. i now have a bob. with a fringe. ive never had a fringe before.
i washed it for the first time this morning. good points - takes about 15 minutes less than it used to. bad points - i actually have to do stuff to it else it...doesnt work. and stay away from humidity cos frizz now has a major effect - it gets huge.
im sure il get used to it all

i think about what i eat which is probably for the best

i dont snack on slices of cheese anymore. i try not to have carbs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. although it does still take up the majority of my food intake - pasta, bread, pasta, potatoes and pasta. im aware that i probably should eat more protein. definitely more vegetables. that arent potatoes. i do ok on fruit, when we have any. i now snack on raisins. and i do need like to snack. usually when im bored. and i think thats my biggest issue. im always amazed by how little i think about eating when im working as opposed to when im not.
but im pretty sure i am hungry now so im going to make a sandwich. even though i had pasta for dinner. im mad like that

relapse

more often than not these days i find it really hard to get out of bed. this worries me. i dont want to turn into that person again.

you can probably ignore this

last year i had a 5 month relationship with someone who was already in a (pretty serious) relationship. im still not really sure how i feel about the whole thing. clearly hes a dickhead for cheating so spectacularly and im not exactly proud of myself for the whole thing but thats not really what im trying to get at. well, i dont think so. lets just see where i end up.
what gets me about the whole thing is that at some point towards the end, i was kinda....bored. and so over it and him and i didnt care. really didnt care that he was with his gf. and when he sent me a message saying that all this really should stop cos i do really love my gf. i was pretty meh. honestly. little disappointed, but fine.
then we didnt talk for a month. and all was well.
then he asked how my interview went. and that grew into a thread of epic proportions, multiple extended messages everyday. about nothing in particular, probably flirtatious. then he told me he was moving and that he wanted to see me before he left. i really wanted to see him. really really. more than i ever had when we were...whatever we were. so we met up - in public, with no chance of a home visit. and it was good. when we parted that day, i was filled with more sadness and heartache than i have ever known. he sent me a message when he got home which basically said sorry. i never replied and that was that.
how on earth did it change so much in less than 2 months? and why now, 2 months later, does it still plague my thoughts every so often?

did you know that applying to uni can be stressful?

youd think thats the kind of thing they would tell you. ok, so they do tell you. didnt help though. i feel like my college has failed me in preparing for this. i definitely think i am failing myself with my complete lack of a clue on how to proceed. and today i really let down someone i love. which feels rubbish.
sucks to be me

oh dear

i am dangerously addicted to the following:
everwood
gilmore girls
veronica mars
i fucking love them. i watch them obsessively. thank god for the internet.

that is all.

content

as with any crappy blog such as this, my first few posts will no doubt centre on what the hell i should write about. i feel like i should have some thread of commonality between them all, beyond the author, but i dont think i have anything i could write that much about. particularly myself. though i may one day regret committing this to print type - i dont find myself that interesting. or maybe i take that back - i wouldnt - indeed, i dont - know what to say about myself.

i think i shall draw this post to a close now. i have a hugely important tv show to watch.

i cant imagine what i will be like when i have kids

i clearly dont like people changing too much. it doesnt matter that they are 18 now, and are in serious long term relationships - there will always be a part of me that cant help but think of them as they always were to me: the youngers, the year 8s, kids. never mind that im barely 2 years older than them, it made all the difference back then.
so, when i have kids, i imagine i will be awful