grumble

i was excited to be on show. ive missed it. the show is 2 hours 20 minutes long. i have 6 cues. so BORED.

well this week is going by pretty bloody fast. the to do list on my wall is nearly onto a second page. part of the marks for each of my modules is a reflective journal where i write about what we learned in each lesson and how we felt about it and what we thought we did well on and how we could improve yadda yadda. its not that you have to write that much, its that theres just not that much to write about yet. hopefully itll get easier.
today we finally got our first show allocations. we were supposed to find out 4 days ago but whatever, we know now. im on the show i wanted in  the role i wanted so YAY. the schedule is intense though and it plows straight over my birthday - just as well that i like my job eh. i bought a sketchbook today that i probably shouldnt have, considering the money troubles im having at the moment. not just on a whim though, i do need it for a class but i could have got a cheaper one. or used the one i already have.
not much else i dont think. except its lgbt bar crawl on saturday! i am going to party hard. speaking of which, when i posted that id joined lgbt society on my facebook, my aunt wrote that it was 'an interesting choice'. do you think theres is something she wants to ask me?

in other news

ive had a really good, and unusually social week. ran into a friend from college. twice. both times in clubs. when i was drunk. good times. i got drunk a lot this week. not that i need alcohol for socialising, it just was this week

ARGH!

ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! 2 weeks!!! ARGH!

isolation

i fear that will be my biggest issue at uni. im living in halls. an hours walk from my campus (il be cycling, hopefully) and EVERYONE ELSE from my school is in houses with other people from my school. EVERYONE. that is not an exaggeration - when i told the accommodations officer that i had applied for halls he seemed so confused

that gay boy i had a crush on, that i stayed with for a few days, that was fun.

but im back at home, in london now. hooray! i move to birmingham in less than 3 weeks. shit.

so i have run off to aber for a few days. tis fun, hanging out with M. who i may or may not have a small crush on. seriously though, i dont know. i wouldnt say no though. but i am a slag. oh did i mention hes a big gay? so chances are this will never become an issue.
why do i tell the internet this?
and this doesnt change anything about the girl. although im pretty much decided on not going there. what with the moving to birmingham thing - its probably not worth it is it?
what else have i done? i got drunk last night. fun. we had a picnic today. fun.
oooo and im getting a bike! yay!

less than 5 weeks till uni

and i dont have anywhere to live yet. i applied 2 months ago. whaaaaa

the girl

so the girl knows that i like her. which isnt to say i told her - she asked a mutual friend - but she knows. probably. which means it might be getting to the point where i may actually have to do something about this, or forever hold my peace. and im not good at doing something about it. but also, another friend of mine made a very good point - im moving to birmingham for uni in a 6weeks. do i risk a friendship that im happy with for something that would turn long distance, or even end, so soon? or do i leave it, gtf over it, and keep a friend?

the girl is fairly new to openly (or secretly) dating girls. i dont know how new. but fairly. the mutual friend (who has known the girl for over 10years) doesnt know what her type is but to be fair, i dont really think the girl does either. but then i dont really believe in types

best wedding ever

the new mr and mrs got married yesterday. i wasnt at the actual ceremony, didnt hear the speeches, but the pub bit was awesome sauce. although my toe still hurts from the stupid shoes i wore. that i danced in. jump on it!

the show

and so its finally over. well, the show finished on saturday night and the get out on sunday but ive mostly been enjoying doing bugger all for a few days. twas quite nice.

went out clubbing on saturday for the girls birthday. somewhere far to expensive for me to drink and so far to expensive for me to even think about trying anything. also a couple of her friends came and her little sister and i dont know if they know so wasnt gona do anything that might be awkward for her. so apart from the longing and the soberness, it was a good night. she had a little nap on me on the way home. which was nice.

also had a hen do on sunday night. cos two of my friends are getting married which is ridiculous - we are 20! but apart from the wtf weirdness, its cool. theyve been together for like 5 years and lived together for at least 2. so it shouldnt be too surprising or unusual. but its still a little weird. i dont feel old enough or responsible enough for that.

my brother graduates tomorrow. english and film with a first. w00t

shes lovely

mmmmmight have been lying before with the whole love thing. one of them is very very nice. whaaa

also, havent really been home the last few days. gotten very drunk, and epically sleep deprived, so general good times all round.

show opens on thursday. we are very not ready. also sad face cos when its over i wont hardly ever see my girl any more. unless she actually becomes my girl. so i have til saturday to make that happen.

also
went to a double bill of harry potter on thursday. that was fun. loads of the old gang went and it was really good to see everyone. but 3d kinda sucks. yea it looks nice, i guess but not enough to make the glasses worth it. especially if youre crying. which i definitely did not do

drop of a hat im as willing as, playful as a pussycat
momentarily out of action
temporarily out of gas

 and now i really need to pack. cos im staying nearer the theatre for the rest of the week. basically what ive been doing anyway, but with clean clothes!

busy busy

ive been stage managing a show for the last 2 months or so. we open in two weeks. i was cast in it 2 days ago. we are that desperate. so quite busy

G A Y

went to g a y late on wednesday which was fun. and surprisingly cheap - will be returning there definitely. heading over to a friends in a bit. shes gona make me look pretty before the pub later.

i am happier now

sinking

today i have been miserable and angry. i was supposed to got to a party. didnt. cos im a miserable fuck. i dont want to leave the house. ill feel better when i do, i know. easier said than done though. and the fucking rain isnt helping

i have plans on monday though so that should help.

how i spent my weekend

friday
1pm i met up with my friend D. and his uni friend M. we hang out
2.30pm we meet up with T. and his bf L. we eat. we hang out
3pm we meet up with C. we hang out
4pm we buy booze. we sit in a park. we drink
6pm we go to T.'s house. we drink. we play cider hands. we drink
10pm we go to a club. we drink. we dance. we drink. we dance
 at some point i make out with M. who is not single. this happens repeatedly. D. is not impressed
3am we leave the club and eat
3.30am M. goes home. T. and L. go home. D. comes to mine. we sleep

saturday
9am we wake up. and sleep
10am we wake up. and sleep
11am we wake up and watch glee
12pm D. goes home. i watch tv
6pm i get off the sofa and have a shower
7pm leave for D.'s house
7.30pm get to D.s house. we drink
8pm T. and L. show up. we drink. we turn on eurovision
8.30pm C. tuns up. we drink. we make fun of eurovision
10.30pm eurovision points announced. drinking game begins. we drink. alot
11.30pm we are very very drunk
12am we watch scary movie
1.30am we watch scary movie 2. i fall asleep

sunday
9.30 i wake up. i go to sleep
12pm we wake up. we hang out
2pm we play monopoly. L. crushes us all
5pm we go to T.'s house. we hang out
7pm we play buzz
8.30pm we drink. we hang out
2am we watch bring it on
3.30am we watch 10 things i hate about you. D. falls asleep on me
5am we sleep

monday
1pm we wake up. we hang out
2.30pm T. and L. go to L.'s appointment. me, D. and C. go to macdonalds
3.30pm we all go to T.'s house. we hang out
5pm we play buzz
6.pm B. shows up. we play buzz
7pm we watch antm. i do some art. B. goes home
8pm we leave. T. L. C. and D. go to the cinema. i go home because im starting to notice that i havent changed my clothes in 3 day

and that was my weekend. i fucking loved it

i want kids and i want them now!

irrationally speaking of course. rationally i know that im too young, too poor, too single and too living-with-my-parents. im also about to start university, which i hope will lead me straight into my career, which id like to do for a few years. there is also my relationship history - lets just say its unhealthy so, assuming i dont do it alone, id need a bit of practice there. and a million other reasons. but none of that stops my stupid irrational-mind yearning.
its incredibly frustrating though, wanting something so intently. as soon as i see a baby the feeling that i should have that rushes over me and its pretty hard to shake. and its not just babies, its any child under 6. and pregnant women. and puppies.

lies and the lying liars who tell them

i am jobless. yesterday i had a job. but i quit 2 weeks ago because i was pretty sure i had got another one. i havent. yet. might get picked up in the next intake. in 2 weeks. so im jobless. balls.

haircut

i got very nearly a foot cut off. i now have a bob. with a fringe. ive never had a fringe before.
i washed it for the first time this morning. good points - takes about 15 minutes less than it used to. bad points - i actually have to do stuff to it else it...doesnt work. and stay away from humidity cos frizz now has a major effect - it gets huge.
im sure il get used to it all

i think about what i eat which is probably for the best

i dont snack on slices of cheese anymore. i try not to have carbs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. although it does still take up the majority of my food intake - pasta, bread, pasta, potatoes and pasta. im aware that i probably should eat more protein. definitely more vegetables. that arent potatoes. i do ok on fruit, when we have any. i now snack on raisins. and i do need like to snack. usually when im bored. and i think thats my biggest issue. im always amazed by how little i think about eating when im working as opposed to when im not.
but im pretty sure i am hungry now so im going to make a sandwich. even though i had pasta for dinner. im mad like that

relapse

more often than not these days i find it really hard to get out of bed. this worries me. i dont want to turn into that person again.